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Bonjour!  I'm Christen!  Been all over the U.S., and just moved from Utah down to Texas for my husband's new job!  After having been in the Navy, I am now a student of Anthropology, a stay at home mom to my new baby, a half arsed writer, belly dance instructor/student and performer, and just general, all around "Jack of all trades, master of nothing." 

Saturday, August 1, 2015

15 Easy Steps to Being the Best Suburban Mom (SATIRE)

* Disclaimer:  This piece is satire.  I've drawn upon my observations while living here in the suburbs, and added some snarky humor.  Any likeness to person, place, or activity is fictional and does not represent any actual in life instances.*

Suburbia-land.  Never thought I'd see the day where my residence was in an actual suburb and I was a stay at home mom.  As a student of Anthropology, it's interesting to study these people and their culture-at least until I realize I'm not as stealthy as the documentary guys who film animals on the African plains.  They see me watching them, and mistake my disbelief and curiosity for disdain.  In all honesty, some of it might actually be disdain.

After studying the Texas suburban people, women and mothers in particular, I've come up with some ways to help one adapt to their new environment, should they find themselves relocated from their natural environment of a Pacific NorthWest island where sweats are acceptable for everything.

1) Throw away anything that does not remotely look like it came from White House/Black Market.  If you do dare to wear something from Old Navy, make sure it's the newest item and then make jokes about how you're "just slumming it" today.

2) Spend all your money on clothes from Ann Taylor and White House/Black Market.  Make sure you have at least one outrageously expensive item from Coach that you simply "haaaaaad to have".

3) Convince your husband that said spending of money was a necessary investment for your new "life status"

4) Climb the suburban mom pecking order by fawning over those at the Mommy and Me classes who have the "Suburb look" down to a tee: glossy straight hair, rail thin with 5 children ("It just came off!"), white classic capris with a top that is understated yet screams "expensive", perfectly manicured fingers and outrageously ornate jewelry. The last bit is only for you girls living in the South, they loooove their big jewelry.

5) Panic and worry that they are talking about you behind your back about your non-glossy hair, are only talking to you out of pity, or are doing Southern Politeness.

6) Become socially awkward and not talk to other Mommy and Me class moms too much, trying to remain casual and unintrusive.  Come across as an aloof bitch.

7) Talk maniacally out of sheer relief when another mom engages in conversation. Come across as an egotistical bitch, or desperate. Or a desperate, egotistical bitch. The queen bee will decide later over glasses of chardonnay at lunch.

8) Realize that you love your Old Navy stuff way too much to stop wearing it.  And seriously, black yoga pants are the official Suburban Mom uniform, might as well wear the cheaper ones.  Black is black.

9) Befriend someone who mirrors your attitude about being a stay at home mom, living in suburbia, and believes that secondhand everything is the only way to go.

10) Have both of your jaws drop when you see Suburbia Mom in her brand new Escalade cut off an old lady to get into the handicap parking spot, and get out talking loudly on her phone about "that dammed help", to go pick up her child from the Mommy and Me class that she was supposed to be attending with them.

11) Start drinking tequila at the restaurant next door because that's what classy bitches do in the afternoon.

12) Have other moms spot you and the tequila and join, complimenting you on your great idea to start drinking in the middle of the day.

13) Gain acceptance into their inner circle as more alcohol is consumed.

14) Realize you should have just brought a flask to Mommy and Me from the get-go.

15) Wine and margaritas, people.  Wine and margaritas.

So there you go!  Follow these easy peasy steps, and you'll be sitting pretty in your 2003 Jeep in your Old Navy yoga pants, waving bye and making plans to have lunch with Escalade glossy-hair moms in no time!